Only Cheaters Mess Up
by Blahsadfeguie
Summary: Mr. Resetti finally figures out how to get his victims to stop resetting. By charging Bells. And Sophocles is in it deep. Can he pay off his massive debt? Or will Resetti reset his town...for good? Finally, chapter 7! I'm excited, are you?
1. Chapter 1: Money Problems

I was kinda surprised to find an Animal Crossing section when I was looking up random stories. So I checked it out and got inspired to make an Animal Crossing fic. Notes: The first incident in this chapter was based off an actual visit by two of my friends to my town. Also, disclaimer; I do not own Animal Crossing or related characters. The only characters I own are the human characters in the town of Here. Now, enjoy.

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Chapter 1: Money Problems

It was another typical day in the town of Here. Sophocles had a couple friends over. Adam wanted to buy Sophocles's Mush Bed for 200,000 Bells, but Past, being Soph's cousin, argued that Mushroom Beds were rare and indespensable. The fight went something like this:

"Hey Sophocles can I buy your mush bed for 200k?" said Adam.

"Um..." said Sophocles.

"Don't do it!" said Past. "that's rare!"

"What? No it's not!" said Adam. "200k is a good deal!"

"Well... I do need the money..." said Sophocles.

"I can easily give you that money for nothing," said Past. He had an Action Replay, so money was not a problem for him, and although some people despised him for it, others were envious.

"But I need that mush bed!" said Adam. "You've given Soph enough money! Besides the mush bed is _so not_ rare!"

"Yeah well I.." said Soph, who was interrupted by Past again.

"Yes it is you noob!"

"No it isn't!"

"Don't listen to him Soph!"

"What you want proof? I'll check the price at Gamefaqs."

"How will we know you are being honest about what they say?"

"Guys..."

"_You're_ not being honest!"

"Guys..."

"Oh yeah well your a noob!"

"GUYS!!!!" Sophocles had enough. "Stop fighting! I'm just gonna po and end this." The familiar "All are leaving" message flashed. Everyone was sent home. After which, Soph relaxed in his throne (which of course was given to him by Past) and pondered how to get those two back together. But his thoughts were cut short by the sounds of Pete the Postman delivering a letter and fluttering away. Soph read the letter. It was from Mr. Resetti.

"Hey! Sophocles!" the letter read. "You've hit 123,498,204 resets to date! You're either gonna pay up some serious Bell-age (1 billion Bells to be exact) or I'm gonna reset you and your pathetic town to kingdom come! Have the money ready in one week. See you next power-off, Mr. Resetti"

"Argh!" said Sophocles in frustration. "I never knew the demented gopher actually kept track of how many times you reset! And no one ever told me he started issuing _fines_! And _ONE BILLION BELLS?!?!? _I gotta like catch a million fish to pay that off!_"_ Suddenly, he remembered his last-resort get-out-of-debt-free card. "Oh man, Past better have his gates open!" He rushed to the town gate.

Copper fired up the usual WFC connection business. "Where would you like to go?" he said. Sure enough, Past had his gates open. Sophocles chose his town and hoped for the connection to get through. It took way too long. Soph was biting his nails in anticipation. Finally, the communication finished.

"For some curious reason, you cannot go out right now." Copper's message stung like bees (which of course Soph has had bad experiences with them in the past). He tried again. Same error. Again. Same error. He tried for a fourth and final attempt. But this time Copper said, "Sophocles, you really need to stop relying on others to do your bidding! I cannot let you go out right now and let Past give you 1 billion Bells because you can't go through life cheating like that. You have to take care of any problems yourself! I am terminating wireless communications!" The connection ceased.

"But who cares? This is just a game!" said Sophocles.

"Still, you can't cheat in life!" said Copper angrily. "I can't believe you would look toward Past for all your problems. Good day to you!"

"Um, I think that means you should leave now..." said Booker. Sophocles, admitting defeat, slumped out of the town gate.

Back in his home, Sophocles pondered over what he would do to get 1,000,000,000 Bells. He knew fishing would take too long. He couldn't ask Past for the money; Copper wouldn't let him. He doubted any of the villagers would have enough money to lend him. Then he finally decided on asking around for advice.

The first place he stopped off by was Nookington's. "Tom Nook?" said Sophocles.

"Yes, Sophocles, welcome! What do you need?" said Tom Nook in his usual happy mood.

"Mr. Resetti finally realized what it would take to get me to stop resetting. He's forcing me to pay him a fine of (gulp) 1 billion Bells!"

Nook was shocked. "1 BILLION?!?!? That's more than I'd ever charge for all of Here! In fact, I think that's more than Crazy Redd would charge for all of Here! How many times did you reset???"

"123,498,204."

"Why the heck did you need to reset that many times?"

"Because Katrina kept giving me a bad fortune."

"Gosh! Well if you think I'm loaning you that many Bells, you're out of your mind! Oh, by the way, we have a point special today! Five times the normal points!"

"I don't care! I just need some advice! What can I do to get that much money?"

"Well, any time I needed some extra money, I'd hunt for a really popular item and get hundreds to sell..."

"But I don't own a shop!"

"Ooh, well, that's not good. Looks like you're on your own. Oh yes, did you see our featured item for the day? A robo stereo!" Sophocles stormed out.

Next person he figured on consulting was Lobo, the wolf, his best villager friend. "Hey, Lobo," said Sophocles.

"Hey, Sophocles, how are you doing, grooof?"

"Well, I kinda have this problem..."

"Wait, don't tell me! You reset too many times and now you have to pay off this massive debt from Resetti."

"Um, yeah! How did you know?"

"It's the talk of the town right now! Poncho found the letter you left laying in front of your house and immediately told everybody about it." He was laughing.

"That's not funny! Listen, I need advice! How am I supposed to pay off this debt?"

"Well, you know, I did hear of this one guy in this one town who put together a seriously perfect house. The HRA was so enthralled by the dude's house that they gave him a HUGE sum of money! Now he walks around his town with the king's outfit on, being all show-offy. I also heard he has a wardrobe FULL of thrones! I wish I was that rich, grooof." He then started walking around with the cloud over his head.

"Hmm, HRA, huh? I wonder if that's what I should do..." Sophocles immediately went back to his house to get ready for the biggest remodeling of his life.

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That's it for this chapter. I'll be switching back and forth with working on this fic and the other one I'm working on (which is in no way related to this one). So don't expect speedy updates. But I could still use reviews...


	2. Chapter 2: The Mad Collector

Welcome to Chapter 2. Disclamer from chapter 1 carries over.

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Chapter 2: The Mad Collector

Another beautiful sunset in the city of Here--that is, unless you take into fact the snow. Two Here citizens, Teddy the bear and Aurora the penguin, were conversing.

"Hey, Aurora! I was working out yesterday and saw this Regal Armoire sitting in my way!" said Teddy.

"Well, what are you going to do with it?" said Aurora.

"Eh, I don't need it, how about how keep it?"

"Yay! I always wanted a Regal Armoire!" Aurora was about to accept the present, when suddenly...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" There was a whoosh, and the present disappeared!

"What the-" Teddy and Aurora said at the same time. They looked back to see a red blur in the background near Sophocles's house. It opened the door and went inside quicker than a ray of light. The whole incident happened in two seconds.

Sophocles slammed the door shut and quickly dropped the armoire in one of his rooms, nearly completing the Regal set.

"Whew..." said Sophocles. "Now just one piece of furniture missing... the Regal Sofa! Nook better have it!" He left and arrived in Nook's store in the same second, breaking the sound barrier. "Nook!!!!" he said. He was busy selling some stationery to Soph's brother, Skatman, when he burst in. Nook nearly had a heart attack.

"Sophocles! What's this about? Are my taxes due already?" said Nook, sweating.

"Hey, bro, do you HAVE to come charging in like that?" said Skatman.

"Sorry but I DESPERATELY NEED A REGAL SOFA!!! Is that one I see?" Sophocles rushed over next to a sofa and pressed A.

"Th-that's a c-c-cream s-sofa." Nook was all shook up.

"CREAM SOFA?!?" Sophocles shouted. "WHY ISN'T IT A REGAL SOFA?!?!?" His words echoed all through Here, maybe further.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'll be more careful next time, I think..." Nook trailed off.

"You'll pay for not having one in stock!!" said Sophocles. He pulled out his Golden Axe.

"Wait! Um...Turnip prices are, um, 3280 Bells per turnip! Yeah! Sell sell sell!"

"Um, today's Sunday..." said Skatman.

"Quiet! He might hear you!" Nook sharply whispered.

"I don't have any Turnips, today's Sunday, and Joan is long gone!" Sophocles raised his axe. Nook cowered. Skatman phoned the police. And suddenly, something out the window of the shop caught Soph's eye. "Is that..." he said, lowering his axe, "...Redd's tent?" And before the second was up, Sophocles was out the door, leaving his axe behind.

Skatman picked up the axe. "Uh, Soph, bro, you left your axe behind..."

Just then, Copper burst in, followed slowly by Booker. Both dogs were wielding slingshots (I haven't seen guns in the game, so slingshots seemed to fit) "We got a call about a madman with an axe! Where is he?" said Copper. He immediately saw Skatman holding the axe and Tom Nook in the fetal position, shaking like a washing machine. "Drop the axe, Skatman!" said Copper. Skatman looked at the axe, looked at Nook, and dropped the axe, putting his hands up in a defeated manner.

Sophocles hurried over to Crazy Redd's tent and approached the opening. "What do you say when I say '**No flowers?**'"

"I have no time for games; let me in or I'll get out my golden axe!" He apparently didn't realize he left it behind.

"Fine, fine! Come in! Just don't use the axe!" Sophocles entered and saw what he'd been looking for: a Regal Sofa.

"How much for this Regal Sofa?" said Sophocles, pulling out his wallet.

"I'm not selling for less than 100,000 Bells," said Redd calmly.

"100K?!?" said Sophocles, causing an earthquake. "Listen, you crazy fox, you better give it to me for 1 that or I'll be forced to use..." He reached for his axe, but instead pulled out his golden watering can. "Uh...well..."

"HAHAHA!!!" laughed Redd. "What're you gonna do with THAT? Grow some flowers on my head? AHAHAHAHA!!!"

Sophocles hesitated for a few seconds, then whacked Redd over the head with it. Hard.

"OW! Ok, ok! 1,000 Bells! Please don't do that again!" They completed the transaction. Sophocles left before Redd could say anything else.

Sophocles returned to his house (passing Copper and Booker holding Skatman's arms and taking him somewhere) and set up the sofa. After re-arranging his room to be what he thought perfect, he relaxed on the sofa...

...and it broke from underneath him!

Sophocles got so mad you could see a red glow coming from his window. "I AM GONNA KILL THAT FOX!!!" The words rang out to Redd, who was frantically packing up shop and getting ready to leave town. He was almost finished, so he thought by the time Soph got here he would be long gone. But he underestimated Soph's anger. While he was thinking this, he looked up and met the eyes of a very steamed Sophocles. "Hehe...um...money back guarantee?" said Redd nervously.

"GRRRRRRRRRRR" growled Sophocles. Redd ran as fast as he could. But it was like trying to escape from Sonic. Sophocles started beating him up.

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Skatman was locked into a cold, dark cell in the local jail. This jail wasn't on the map because it would be rather depressing to know that there was a jail in town, wouldn't it? Skatman sighed. Then, he heard peculiar noises coming from outside his cell window. He looked and saw Sophocles with his now seriously dented golden watering can beating the heck out of Crazy Redd. Skatman screamed for the attention of the guard, Booker, saying that the real murderer was right outside the cell. Of course, he didn't believe him and went on.

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Redd was on the ground, unconcious. Sophocles, with a watering can damaged to disrepair, had picked up a real Regal Sofa and walked triumphantly back to his house, setting it up, and once again trying to relax in it. It didn't break. Sophocles felt really happy right about now, now that he had collected all the Regal furniture and cleaned his house until it shined. He put up his favorite music and his favorite Gyroids, and went up to bed, anticipating the HRA's letter loaded with Bells. 

The next morning at precisely 9:00, Sophocles literally flew out of bed and pounced on Pete the postman, who had a letter for him. Sophocles ripped open the envelope and read what was to be the most ironic letter ever sent:

"Dear Sophocles, Your house receives 4 points. We're sorry, but the way the Regal set was matched with the fruity set makes the entire house seem out of whack. -The HRA"

No one knew exactly what happened next. The only thing that was certain was the planets must have been knocked out of orbit that day.

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So it turns out there's no way to beat the HRA. Sophocles decides to just give up on that. But he'll come up with something else next time... He's not about to lose his town because of a 1 Billion Bell debt. Tune in next time! Who knows, maybe you'll see more of Past and Adam's arguments?

Oh yeah, one last thing... Review, por favor!


	3. Chapter 3: Fishing Trip

Aw, too bad for Sophocles! His HRA plan went flat! But now he's got a new incentive... Wanna read the disclaimer? Go back to the first chapter!

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Chapter 3: Fishing Trip

Well, it took about an hour for the citizens of Here to calm Sophocles down. And they had to do it by convincing him that in Zenie, one of his cousin's towns, it was raining like mad and the sea was overpopulated with Coelacanths.

"Are you serious?!?" said Sophocles.

"Serious as ever!" said Tortimer, the one who came up with the idea. "Just grab your fishing rod and head on over, you'll be richer than Bill Gates in no time!"

"WHEEE! 1 Billion, here I come!" He was out in a flash.

Sure enough, Blink (Soph's other cousin, the one in Zenie) had his gates open. And when he got there, it was raining the heaviest rain anyone had ever seen there.

"Hey Soph," said Blink. "Come for the fish burst?"

"You bet!!" said Sophocles. He immediately ran down to the sea and noticed that Tortimer was right. The first fish he caught was indeed a Coelacanth. Past was also there (he was Blink's brother) and already had a ton of cash from fishing all morning. So basically the three were frantically running (or walking, really; running would scare the fish) all over the beach, catching the fossil fish left and right. By the time Soph had a full load of Coelacanths to sell to the store, there was another visitor.

It was Skatman. How he escaped from jail was a mystery, but apparently he heard of the Bell rush and came to get as many as possible.

Now Skatman, being the greedy dude that he is, actually ran all over the beach, scaring the fish that Past and Blink were about to catch. Then he slowed down to see another and caught it with ease. Any time Past or Blink was going to catch another fish, Skatman would distract them into losing it.

Sophocles came back after receiving a nice sum of 225,000 Bells and putting them in the bank. At this rate, he thought, he would have enough money by the end of the hour! But then he saw Skatman poking Past in the back, causing him to lose his fish, and to lose count of how many times he caused him to lose a fish.

"Serioiusly, Skat, stop that!" said Past.

"Yeah really," said Blink.

"What the heck is he doing now?" said Soph.

"He's causing us to lose all our fish so he can keep them to himself!"

"Skatman... How many times have I told you..." started Sophocles.

"Argh, not one of these lectures again," said Skat.

"...you have to _steal_ their fish, not _lose_ it!" he said.

"I know--what?" said Skat. Apparently Soph didn't care at this point about how many fish the others catch.

"But here's the thing, you have to give me the money you make."

"What? No way!"

"So shall I just call Copper and tell him I found his prisoner?"

"Um, uh, no! Please don't! I'll give you my cash!"

"That's what I thought." Sophocles returned to his fishing. In the time the two were talking, Past and Blink caught another five Coels each. Skatman also started fishing and instead of distracting the others, he instead casted his fishing rod even nearer to the fish they were in the middle of catching and caught it. He did this every time, for his fishing skill was second only to Sophocles. Together, the two brothers raked in 10 trips worth of Coels each, scoring a grand total of 4.5 million Bells. Soph bragged about his earnings, but then Blink corrected him:

"Actually, if you wanted to earn 1 billion bells fishing these fish, if each one sells for 15k, and you can hold 15 per trip, it would still take you over 4,000 trips to get enough money. That's over 60,000 Coelacanths." Apparently he was acing math class.

Skatman was so shocked by the numbers that he screamed loudly. All of Zenie heard his scream. Many of them came to see what was the matter. Including Copper and Booker, who recognized his prison escapee.

"Skatman!" said Copper, "You're not getting away this time!" They seized him and dragged him away.

"Nooooooooooooooo!" said Skatman as they dragged him out of town.

Apparently someone was waiting for an opening to the town, so as soon as the fourth person left, there was another visitor. It was none other than Adam.

"Hello," he said. "I heard there was a manic spurt of Coelacanths. XD" He got out his fishing rod. But the problem is, Adam's connection is not perfect. Not very long after he pulled out his rod, the connection lagged. It was not recovered. Everyone was sent to their own town.

"Argh!" said Sophocles. "I was only able to make 4 and a half million! No thanks to Adam... Whatever, it's not like it would suddenly stop raining over there or something..."

But next time he tried to get through to the town, his gates weren't even open! He waited for 30 minutes. During this time, Adam's gates opened and was almost instantly filled up with 4 people. But all he wanted to do was go back to Blink's town and finish his money raising. Nope, nothing. He gave up and left the gate hall.

"Ok, now I have 4.5 million, that reduces my debt to 995,500,000 Bells. Great." He kicked the dirt.

But when he looked back at the area he kicked, there was something gleaming inside! He pulled out his golden shovel and dug there. What he found brought a very surprised expression to his face! It was...

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Ooh, suspense! I bet you can't wait for the next chapter! What did he find? Mwahaha! I'l never tell! (Um, well I will when I get the next chapter up... But I'll tell you that it's not a very common treasure!)

It may take a while for the next chapter to come up. But here's a hint, it may come up faster if I get some feedback...


	4. Chapter 4: Treasure!

This is what you've all been waiting for, am I right? Just read on and all your questions will be answered, I think...

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Chapter 4: Treasure!!!

Sophocles dug up a strange looking machine! It looked like a remote control of some sort, lined with silver. There were about 15 buttons on it, each a unique color. But he could tell that this was no ordinary device. The buttons were marked with weird symbols. At first he thought they were Japanese, but they looked nothing like anything anyone had ever seen.

"What the heck _is_ it? Maybe if I try a button..."

Soph pressed a blue button and a laser beam shot out of the end! It hit his house, bounced off, hit Nook's shop, then hit the Tailor shop's window and broke into it. Panicing, Soph entered the shop.

As soon as he entered the shop he saw the sewing machine was now burnt and had a large hole in it. The Able sisters stared in awe at what the beam did to the sewing machine.

"Um, sorry about that..." said Sophocles. "I'll try to be more careful..."

Sophocles left. The sisters were too shocked to say anything.

"Hmm," he said, "maybe I shouldn't try any more buttons until I figure out what they all do. But does anyone know what this could possibly be, and how it got here?" Then it hit him. "Blathers! Perhaps he, with his knowledge, could know anything about the origin of this machine." He rushed over to the museum.

He entered and saw Blathers sleeping, as usual. Sophocles poked him on the shoulder.

"zzzz...ZZZAWK!" he said, waking up. "Oh yes, terribly sorry, sometimes I wish I wasn't an owl so I would be up with everyone else. Anyway, welcome, Sophocles! Do you have another fine fish for me to look at? Or a fossil?" And then he said under his breath, "Please not an insect..."

"Actually," said Soph, pulling out the machine, "I was wondering if you would know anything about this?"

Blathers took the device, fingering it curiously. "Hmm...Hrmmm...This looks somewhat familiar...What does this button do?"

Before he could press anything, Sophocles said hastily, "I'm not so sure you should press a button. I tried that and it ended up scorching Sable's sewing machine. I really hope they don't ban me for it..."

"Right right, sorry. I should be more careful. Now...These symbols look like alien writing. I'm not sure, but I think Celeste might know what it means; she studies most of the out-of-this-world stuff. Now, I'm feeling a bit drowsy, can you please take this up to her?" After handing the remote back to Sophocles, Blathers fell asleep again.

So Sophocles went upstairs to the observatory-type room in the Museum, where Celeste was busy gazing into the stars. She almost didn't notice him coming in.

"Hey Celeste," said Soph.

"Hello, Sophocles," said Celeste.

"I took this weird alien device I found to Blathers because I thought he could identify it, and he sent me to you." He handed her the remote.

"Well, yeah, I know the language all right. I'll write down a list of translations." She scribbled some words on a piece of paper and handed it to Soph. There were 15 alien words written down, along with the English translation next to it. "I must say," she continued, "this machine has some pretty neat powers!"

The settings included the Destruction Ray, the Shrink Ray, Time Acceleration Ray, and a bunch more cool features. But the final button piqued Soph's interest the most: a Money Ray.

"A Money Ray?!?" said Sophocles. "HA! Looks like I can cheat after all."

"Well you have fun with that. I gotta chart this constellation."

Sophocles left the museum, and as soon as he did, he pressed the gold-colored Money Ray button. But he didn't know that the machine didn't _generate_ money. It shot a beam of gold light that zoomed off into the distance. After about 10 seconds, there was a burst of bright light, then a loud yelp. Soph knew this couldn't be good. He rushed to where the beam supposedly hit.

He went over to the Here Prison and found a golden statue of Skatman standing next to a hole in the ground. Sophocles knew exactly what happened. Skatman was trying to escape (the police should have remembered to confiscate his shovel) and had just climbed out of the hole when he was hit by the Money Ray. Now Soph knew exactly what it did--transform anything it hit into solid gold. Just then, an alarm went off and Copper and Booker arrived on the scene.

"Don't let him get away!" said Copper. But then he and Booker saw Sophocles with the alien remote looking at the statue of Skatman next to the hole leading out of the prison cell.

"Um, what just happened?" said Booker.

"I was messing with this weird thing I found and accidentally turned Skatman into a life-sized golden sculpture," said Sophocles. "Lemme see if there's an undo button on this thing-"

"Wait!" said Copper. "Before you do..." He picked up the statue (with Booker's help) and carried it back in the prison cell, then took the shovel he had in his hand. The shovel may have been golden, but it wasn't part of the statue itself. He used it to seal up the hole tightly, then he closed and locked the cell door.

"Ok, _now_ change him back."

Sophocles looked at the list of features and found a Reversal Ray. He pressed the gray button and it shot a matching raybeam at the statue, changing it back to flesh on contact.

"Wha? What? Where am I?" said Skatman. Then he realized he was back in the cell, and everyone else had left. "ARGH!"

Sophocles returned to his house and rummaged through his wardrobe for some junk he can make golden. He found a ton of Pitfall Seeds taking up one and a half sections of space, and stacked them up outside. He pressed the Money button again, creating a lot of golden Pitfall Seeds.

"Perhaps NOW Nook will buy my pitfalls!" Sophocles said as he took them and headed back for Nookington's.

"Welcome, Sophocles!" said Nook with his usual greeting. "We have our spotlight product in store today: a Regal Sofa!"

Sophocles scowled at the remark, but got over it quickly. "I have stuff to sell."

"All right, show me what you got."

Soph held out the golden pitfalls.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIYA!!!" screamed Nook. "Where did you get those?"

"I guess the villagers were tired of burying plain old regular pitfalls, so they started burying golden ones."

"Well, those _have _to be rare! I'll buy! If we add it all up, I'll buy it all for 2,200,000 Bells!"

"Dang that's a lot!" said Soph after he left. "But it's still not enough!" He pulled out his calculator again and typed up a few numbers. "Man! I still have 993,300,000 Bells to go! I gotta find an even FASTER way to make money. Perhaps this machine's other features can help..."

* * *

All right! Things get supernatural! This gadget can do a lot more cool stuff, and you will all surely enjoy it! Not to mention the continued torture of Skatman! So please wait while the next chapter loads...


	5. Chapter 5: Parody Power

Chapter 5. Includes 2 tortures of Skatman and the return of the arguing Past and Adam! Time to get happy! (I'm running out of intros.)

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Chapter 5: Parody Power

Sophocles began reading over the Alien Remote Cheat Sheet, as he called it, and considered all the possibilities of each ray and whether or not it would make him money. Of course, the Money Ray could make him money, but he'd need more pitfalls. He dug up the one for that day, which was next to the road as always, and clered out the Lost and Found for about 9 of them, reducing his debt by another million Bells and dropping it to 992,300,000. Not that it mattered much. For once, Sophocles ironically wished that pitfalls were even more common. But then again, if he sold a ton of them to Nook at a time, he'd no longer think they were rare and buy them for 1,000 apiece. Someone's letting their minds wander, perhaps we should get back to the action?

Sophocles found one feature that was written as "Unknown words". He got very curious wondering what it might be. He guessed it would be safe to use on a small object such as a pencil. So he picked one out and fired the nameless beam at it.

**ZZZZZZZZZT!!!**

The pencil turned into a fork!

"What the heck?!?" said Sophocles. "Is this a Fork Ray or something?"

He tried it on an ink pen. It turned into a single Bell.

"Great, now if only I had 992,299,999 more pens...but what's with this ray?"

He went outside, plucked a cherry from a tree, and fired at it. It turned into a bomb! Soph picked it up and threw it as hard as he could away from there. It landed far off in the distance, followed by an explosion and a cry of pain that sounded a lot like Skatman.

"Cherry...is a bomb?" thought Sophocles. "Pencil becomes a kitchen utensil? Pen becomes a penny? Maybe this is a Parody Ray!" Then the greediness in his mind came up with a brilliant idea. "I know what I can do to make a ton of money!"

He immediately got a bunch of materials together and built up a stall in front of the Town Hall, where Redd or Katrina would usually put their tents. The sign had a lot of question marks around it and random colors all around. It said: "Recycle Your Old Junk Into Something Useful (Maybe)! 1,000 Bells Per Attempt" and in smaller text "We are not responsible for any inconvenient objects that may result".

The first person to see the stall was Lobo. He looked at the sign with interest. "Hey, Sophocles, what can you do with this old Regal Sofa?" he asked.

"Why must they be so common now that I _don't_ need one?" said Soph to himself. "Oh, right," he said aloud, "we can turn it into something different. 1,000 Bells to see how it works!"

"What a deal!" said Lobo. He handed over the sofa and a bag of 1,000 Bells. Sophocles pulled out his remote and activated the Parody Ray. The regal sofa turned into a fancy-looking bar of soap.

"Heh, would you look at that?" said Sophocles. "Regal soap!"

Lobo was rather mad. "You call this _useful_? I want my money back!"

Soph pointed to the disclaimer on the sign. "Sorry, bud, this is random stuff. If you want another go, hand over another 1,000 Bells."

Grumbling, Lobo pulled out another thousand-Bell bag. Soph used the ray on the soap. It turned into a bowl of piping-hot soup.

"Soap becomes...soup! Tada!" said Soph. "I bet since a Regal object was the original, and Regal stuff is nice to look at, maybe this soup will be tasty!"

"Hmm, you're right," said Lobo, "but seriously, who charges 2,000 Bells for a bowl of soup? I don't care how tasty!"

"Cmon, give it a sip."

"Eh, whatever." Lobo tried a bit of the soup. He took on the shocked expression. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "This is the best soup I ever tasted! Forget what I said earlier, this was well worth it!"

A line had already formed behind him, watching the whole thing. They heard Lobo's positive comments, and decided to try it themselves. Somehow, Skatman got into the line after a while, and was served by Sophocles.

"Skatman?!?" he said in surprise. "How did you escape from prison?"

"Oh, that's easy," said Skat. "I called Past to come bail me out. By the way, why did a bomb randomly fall out of the sky and explode in my face earlier?"

"Um, because you're just plain unlucky?"

"Yeah, that pretty much explains it. Anyway, I have this pitfall I don't need, I think they're pointless. What can you make out if it?"

"Well, we can find out, for 1,000 Bells."

Skatman gave Sophocles the pitfall and 1,000 Bells. Sophocles used the ray gun on it and it turned into... a pit bull! The pit bull, for some reason finding something offensive about Skatman, immediately started chasing him all over town, until finally Skat climbed up a cherry tree, shaking in fear. The bull started barking up the tree. After a few minutes, a guy who looked like George Washington came by with a golden axe.

"I cannot tell a lie; I chopped down the cherry tree!" he said, as he hacked away at it. It fell over. "Ho hum, ho hum..." he said, walking away. It only took about 5 seconds for the rabid mutt to brutally mutilate the unfortunate Skatman, and another 20 seconds for an ambulance to arrive and send him to a hospital.

* * *

Now, who better to be next in line then Soph's arguing acquaintances, Past and Adam.

"No seriously, dude this is a scam!" said Adam. "Did you see that pit bull?"

"He's my cousin, you noob, he wouldn't scam anybody!" said Past. "Look at the fine print on the sign!"

"It's obviously a trick. Why else would he send for that mutt to beat up his brother, and even make a few bucks in the process?"

"Listen, I'll show you. Hey Soph, here's a blue-trim wall and 1k, change it for me will you?"

"Okie-dokie." Sophocles took the money and hit the wallpaper with the Parody Ray. It became a wallpaper with patterns of Boos on it from the Mario series. "Blue-trim wall equals Boo-trim wall!" he said.

"See, I _told _you it wasn't a scam!" said Past. "I kinda like this wallpaper."

"Yeah...well...um..." stumbled Adam. "How about this!" He handed Soph another 1,000 Bells. "Use that ray on Past for me!"

"Well...I doubt it has the same effect on people, and after all Past is my cousin. I don't really want to do it," said Soph.

"I'll give you 1,000,000 for it."

"Deal." Soph accepted the money happily and zapped Past with it.

"Doh! Hey!" said Past as he morphed into...a Christmas present!

"Hehehehehehe!" laughed Adam. "Past turned into a present! I wonder what's in it?" He opened it up, and Past hopped back out with a sledgehammer.

"How dare you pay a million bucks to get me parody-ized!" he said, chasing Adam around with it. Sophocles decided just to edge away and forget this all ever happened.

Tallying up his totals, Sophocles had made 1,193,000 Bells that day, including Adam's donation. "Grr, I still have to get another 991,106,999!" This is of course taking into account the pen he transformed earlier. "That didn't get me as much as I wanted! But I'm sure there's some other way to make a ton of money using this remote thing..."

* * *

As Sophocles discovers more abilities of the remote, things will get messy! Just you wait! And don't touch that dial, it might be the alien remote and you could hit this fanfic with the Parody Ray! (Ugh! I'm also running out of conclusions! Forgive me if this one sucked.)


	6. Chapter 6: TBMSEWMDR

This chapter may have a smaller word count than the others, but who cares, really?

* * *

Chapter 6: The Best Moneymaking Strategy Ever With a Mega Dose of Random!

Sophocles took another look at the cheat sheet for the remote. The next feature that stood out was an Inter-Dimensional Ray. But then he remembered what his mom always told him:

_Remember, honey, interdimensional travel can be dangerous! So always pack a nice picnic lunch before you go!_

So, with his picnic basket in hand, Soph pressed the white Inter-Dimensional button, and a large portal appeared in front of him. "Hmm," he said, "Maybe in another dimension I can pick up a super-rare and/or useful item which I can sell back home for, I dunno, maybe a Billion Bells!" So with this in mind, he jumped headfirst into the portal.

Followed closely behind by Skatman covered in bandages. "Finally, I get to go on an inter-dimensional vacation! I always wanted one of those!"

Sophocles landed in a generic-looking field. "This doesn't look like another dimension at all," he said. Skatman hit the ground beside him. "I see you're along for the ride," said Sophocles, "but you should've stayed in the hospital where it's safe!"

"Yeah, well, fortunately for me, I sustained only minor injuries so I left early."

"Yeah but read the last chapter! You got 'brutally mutilated'!"

"Shh! If you don't remind reality about it, it doesn't have to happen!"

So the two dropped the subject and went onward. They eventually started hearing a conversation:

"Cmon, gimme back my jalapeno!" said a young-sounding voice.

"No way! They give you gas!" said a deeper, adult voice.

"I don't remember jalapenos giving anyone gas!" screamed a female voice.

"But how is that a problem?" said a teenage male voice. "I learned to deal with it..."

"I wonder who these are?" said Sophocles as he followed the voices.

"Now, good riddance, ya evil jalapeno!" said the deep voice, and a jalapeno pepper came flying and hit Skatman in the face. He picked it up.

"Uh..." he said, wondering what to do with it. "I don't want a jalapeno, they're way too spicy!" He threw the pepper back in the direction it came from.

"Ow!" said another voice. "Who threw that?"

"Erm...me?" said Skat.

"Then DIE! DEATH BY CHOCOLATE!" A ton of chocolate candy bars came and pelted Skatman all over his body. He collapsed.

"Hey, those were mine!" said the deep voice.

"Wake up, Skat!" said Soph. "We're declaring war on them!"

The bros got nearer to their enemies and saw what they looked like. And they were shocked. There was a tall and skinny but muscular man with a yellow afro, an short orange sun-like thing, a blue jelly shaped like a person, a guy with spiky white hair and a shirt on his back with a skull-and-crossbones emblem, and a girl with pink hair and nothing else interesting to note. Despite the confusion the two were getting, they each pulled out a golden axe and charged into battle.

"You shall pay for throwing peppers and candy bars!" said Skat.

"And for annoying us to death!" said Soph.

The dude with the afro simply put up his hand and the brothers stopped in their tracks. There was silence for a few moments, and suddenly he sweep-kicked them under the feet, knocking them over. "You forgot the mayonaisse! Again! How could you!" he said.

"Why mayonaisse??" screamed the girl, popping her eyes out.

"Because mayo makes the world go round!" said the jellyman, holding a jar of mayo. He whacked the sun-thing over the head with it. Then the sun-thing pulled out a large green onion and they start swordfighting! The others just stared.

"Wait a minute, I know these guys," said Skat, remembering. "They're the cast of my favorite show, Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo!! Can I have your autograph, Bo-bobo? Please? I'm your biggest fan!" He swarmed around Bo-bobo with a pencil and paper.

"Oh yeah, that's my fave show too!" said Soph. "Outta the way!" he said, pushing Skat into the scuffle between Don Patch and Jelly Jiggler. "Can _I_ have your autograph?"

"Hold on, lemme take care of something first," said Bo-bobo. He opened up his fro, and pulled out a bazooka! "Take this!" He fired a missle at Don, Jelly, and Skat, and it exploded, causing Jelly and Skat to go flying off.

"Team Rocket's blasting off again! Oh whoops wrong line!" they said, until they disappeared.

"Hold on, why didn't Don Patch get hit?!?" said Beauty.

Don replied with a smile, "It didn't work because I'm-"

"-A tofu head!" interrupted Bo-bobo. He threw Dengaku Man, the little white guy with a tofu obsession, into Don.

Then Skatman fell out of the sky and landed on Don, then Jelly landed on Skat, then a sumo wrestler landed on Jelly.

"...ow." said Skat from underneath Jelly and the sumo.

"I am sorry," said the sumo, "but those jalapenos really rack up pounds."

"And why did you fall out of the sky?" said Skat.

"Because I wanted to."

"Hey, is that an old tire?" said Bo-bobo, giving a sniff towards Soph's pocket. "I always wanted an old tire!"

"Well, um, I caught it while fishing the other day, and-"

"I'll buy! How's $50,000,000 sound?"

"Whoa, seriously?" said Soph. "You got a deal!"

"Why would you wanna buy an old tire for 50 million?!?!" said Gasser and Beauty in unison.

Bo-bobo and Sophocles exchanged the money and the old tire.

"941,106,999!" shouted Don suddenly.

"What the heck was that for?" said Beauty.

"I dunno. The number suddenly popped up in my head."

"That's exactly how many Bells remaining until my debt is paid off!" said Soph.

"You use _bells_ for money?!?" said Beauty.

"Um, yeah, actually they're just called Bells, they aren't actual bells. Anyway, all right! I guess this inter-dimensional travel is a gold mine in the making! Let's go Skat! We got other universes to conquer!"

"Right!" said Skatman, getting up.

Soph pressed the white button again and another portal opened up. He and Skat jumped in.

"Take care, don't forget to write!" said Bo-bobo waving goodbye.

* * *

Woohoo! Now they hop from universe to universe making money in the process! Bet ya didn't expect this turn of events! Maybe Soph will pay off his debt after all. Stay tuned! And thanks for all the reviews!


	7. Chapter 7: Super Soph Bros

Can it be?! Has Sophocles finally updated his dead story after almost a year?!

The answer is yes; the main reason being: I just got bored, so I decided to finish the next chapter. I'm sure you will find this one quite...exciting.

* * *

Chapter 7: Super Soph Bros

As the portal opened and Sophocles landed on the floor, he noticed something very strange about the world... It was 2-dimensional, 8-bit retro graphics!

"Whoa!" said Soph. "This looks like an NES game!"

Skatman came next. He recognized the environment immediately.

"O-M-G!! SUPER MARIO BROS!!!"

"Mario bros?"

Soph looked around and saw 8-bit Mario kicking a Koopa shell into a row of Goombas.

"Yep. Well, I guess there's only one thing to do...clear the stage!"

**WORLD 1-1**

**SOPHx3**

Cue Mario Overworld music.

Soph runs forward and stomps on the first Goomba. He then collects the two coins from the ? blocks, then hits the ? block with the mushroom in it.

"Fungi is good for your health!" said Soph as he picked up the mushroom. In addition to growing bigger, a "$100" point mark appeared.

"Neat, it looks as though collecting items also gives you money!"

So he jumped over the next few Warp Pipes and stomped the Goombas, hitting the block containing the 1-up shroom for $1000. He jumped over the gap, tackled the other Goombas, and collected a Fire Flower for $300 (plus it gave him an awesome white outfit!). Then he pounded the multi-coin block for 13 more coins.

"Ow, my head," said Soph. "I seriously don't get how Mario can stand it."

Next, got the Starman in the brick block for $1000, and ran right through the next row of Goombas with his invincibility (not ignoring the 3 coins and other fireflower). He jumped over the staircases, burned the last 2 Goombas with his fireballs, collected the last coin, and finished the level with 240 on the clock, for a grand total of $14,420.

"I won!" said Soph. "Of course, that's predictable given that this is only the first level... Oh well, onward!"

Skat stepped up next. "My turn!" he said.

**WORLD 1-1**

**SKATx3**

"WHEEEE!!!" shouted Skat as he ran ahead. "AHHHHHH" he screamed when he saw the Goomba. He backed off a bit, then was struck by inspiration.

"Ah! I think I'll try hitting this thing with Soph's Parody Ray!"

So he did. The Goomba turned into an indian midget with a strange uniform.

"BWAH?!? It turned a Goomba into an Oompa Loompa?!?!"

The Oompa Loompa began to sing.

"NOOOO NOT SINGING!!!" Skat got the song stuck in his head. From there, it kicked around at his brain until Skat lost a life.

**WORLD 1-1**

**SKATx2**

"Okay, no more parodying enemies," said Skat, running forward. But when he got to the Goomba...

"NO WAY!!! It's still the Oompa Loompa!!"

Just as the little guy opened his mouth to sing, Skat jumped on top of him. The game glitched up and froze, not knowing what to do when the player defeated an Oompa Loompa...

"DARN IT!!!!!" shouted Skat. "Now I'll have to reset."

Suddenly, the game unfroze and an 8-bit Mr. Resetti popped out of the ground.

"DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT BUB!!!" shouted Resetti as thunder sounded in the background.

"Ow! Jeez, you don't have to yell every time..."

"You know, kid, resetting will get you nowhere in life. Why, back in my day..."

"AHHHH RESETTI LECTURE!!"

Skat died again.

**WORLD 1-1**

**SKATx1**

"Now... This time, no parodying enemies or stomping on parodied enemies."

Thankfully, the Goomba had turned back into a Goomba, so Skat stomped it and carried on. He grabbed the mushroom.

"HA!! Try to kill me now, suckers!"

He jumped over the first two pipes, but he came a little too close to the third and got snacked by the Pirahna Plant.

"OW! Good thing I had this mushroom." He stopped on top of the pipe. "Ahahaha!! You think you can defeat the great Skatman?!" he gloated. "Think again, weed!!"

At that moment, the angry Pirahna Plant sprung up from its pipe and bit Skat again.

"OW!!! You're not supposed to come out while I'm standing on the pipe!!"

**GAME OVER**

**---**

While Skat was phailing at the first level, Soph had cleared Worlds 1-2 and 1-3 with $15,060 and $12,183 respectively.

**WORLD 1-4**

**SOPHx4**

"All right, castle stage," said Sophocles. "Let's shoot for record time!"

He already had his Fire powerup from the previous stage. He was prepared to fly through this.

Sooo, (ahem) here goes. Down the stairs, jump, dodge flame, collect $300 flower, jump, dodge more fire, dodge even more fire, hit 6 hidden blocks while dodging fire missles, and finally...engage Bowser!

Soph studied the bridge, Bowser, and the axe behind him. "Meh, who needs an axe when you got Fireballs!" Soph shot a flurry of fireballs at Bowser. He collapsed. Soph went across the bridge and to the waiting Toad.

**THANK YOU SOPH!**

**BUT OUR PRINCESS IS**

**IN ANOTHER CASTLE!**

"Wait a minute, I just realized I have to go through 8 worlds!! I don't have time for this!"

Then, Soph got an idea!

"Hey, if eating a mushroom makes you grow bigger and gives you $100, I wonder what will happen if you eat a Toad...?"

So he did. The Toad's AI was almost nonexistant, so it didn't react. But the game had to do something. So, it took the first number it could think of and gave that much in cash to Soph. The number came up as "white square, piece of cloud, X" but Soph realized that he just received $100,000,000!!

"Holy habanero, glitches are awesome!!" he shouted. "I'd eat the other Toads but what would the Princess say... Oh well. This zone is boring anyway."

He recalculated his debt and figured he had only 841,065,030 Bells remaining.

"Ok, onto the next dimension!" He searched for his alien device, but couldn't find it. "What the... Skat must've took it!"

Soph worked his way backwards to World 1-1 in search of Skat. When he reached the third Pipe, he saw the device laying on the ground. He picked it up.

"Hmm, here's the remote...but where's Skat?"

He took a look at his cheat sheet again, found a "Playback Ray" and pressed the corresponding button. The device projected a hologram of Skat losing all three of his lives and getting GAME OVER.

"Of course... Skat let himself die on the first level," Soph rolled his eyes. "But when you GAME OVER...what happens?"

Soph's eyes widened, realizing that his brother may have just...

"He...lost..."

Soph stood there for a few minutes, his thoughts and memories randomly jittering about...

After a while, he straightened himself and pressed the Dimensional Ray again, reopening the familiar portal.

"Skatman...I will avenge you."

* * *

Author's Notes (may be spoilers)

Note 1: You haven't seen the last of Skatman! If there's one thing in common about all stories, it's that the comedy relief never dies! But how he returns is a mystery...

Note 2: The next chapter is the last one that Soph travels through random dimensions. For those of you who don't really like the unpredictable crossovers.

Note 3: Next chapter will be released...erm, can I use a lifeline? I have no idea when the next update will be. Maybe a week, maybe a month, maybe even later today if I get REALLY bored (but that's not very likely). Sit tight, have a snack or something, just be patient.


End file.
